Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
