So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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