Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
