you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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