census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
We named our party play list daddy issues
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
