Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
