mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
