I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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