So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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