Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
