she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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