it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
