so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Randomize
