i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
