Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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