hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
