Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
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You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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