I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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