Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
