i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
