You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
