Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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