look no pants
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Let's get the cat blown out
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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