I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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