I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I am naked and annoyed.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
