Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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