I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
