my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Houston, we have a squirter
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
