So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
i would one night stand the shit outta him
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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