my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
