Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
is wine microwaveable?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
