TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
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