Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
