I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
