david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
