Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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