I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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