There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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