he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
