can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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