I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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