she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
