You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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