I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
