In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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