Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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