We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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