my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
