speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I just found a bag of teeth...
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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