apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
