so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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