Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
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She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
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I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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