is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
