How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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