Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
