did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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