you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
