i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
