she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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