He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
They left me at home... I'm a liability
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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